Oil Change instructions for Women
1) Purchase a Latte from the local Starbucks.
2) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Latte $ 3.00
Oil Change $30.00
Oil Change instructions for Men
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly's to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Have another beer.
17) Buddy shows up to help; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Have another beer....wait......shit, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump in first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Oops...Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Drain pan is empty; Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Have another beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Have another beer.
31) Slip while using wrench to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stopblood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil....shit.......only have four left (one on floor);go back to auto parts store in a taxi to get extra quart.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00